THIS IS WHAT I DO WHEN I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
If you’re insecure, you’ll be closed off. Different ideas and new perspectives will feel threatening, because to those who lack self-assurance, a threat to a belief system feels like a threat to personal identity.
It’s the weekend and I’ve decided to mix up my writing. During the week, it’s all about a scripture. The weekends, I’ve reserved for more of a freestyle flow.
As I’ve mentioned the past few days, my latest read has been Primary Greatness by Stephen Covey and I love it. This quote about insecurity was one that really hit me in the face. I’ve been nailed by it so many times. I hate when I take things personal — but I do. I think it’s one of the areas that really holds me back.
What about you? When you get feedback in areas where you don’t want it — how does it make you feel?
My wife is probably the one who sees it the most. If I don’t want feedback in an area — and she gives it to me — I take it personal. Nearly 120% of the time afterward, I know she’s right.
How do I get better?
What I’ve learned to do in these situations is really lean into those feelings. For me, the feeling in my mind is one of “not good enough,” or some may call it “shame.”
Lots of times I feel like I’m not good enough for really dumb reasons. It’s usually related to work. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are, “you didn’t get a college degree, you haven’t really accomplished anything or you’re not really unique in what you do.”
Those are honest to God thoughts in my head. And, I’m almost certain you’ve had similar thoughts as well.
They are utterly crippling and demoralizing to your soul. I hate to even be type them out because they are so dumb. They are dumb because I know who I am and what I have accomplished. They are usually coupled with moments of comparison with others — and that is a CANCER to your soul.
When I catch those feelings — I know it’s a weakness rising up in me. If I’m totally honest, there are only a couple of people who’s feedback really matters. So, when it does happen — it happens fast and furious. It’s like an explosion of WTF type feelings.
And that’s how I know.
Here’s a couple of quotes from Brené Brown on Shame and Vulnerability that I love.
Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.
There are a handful of people that I’m really trying to please or that I really want to see the “real me.” I want them to like me and know that I’m doing my best to make them happy. When I don’t make them happy or things don’t turn out — It’s tough for me. I’ve really had to learn that imperfection is normal and it’s ok. I’ve also learned to apologize, take ownership and learn to fix it.
In the past I would hold onto my idea and feel like I wasn’t good enough. I tied what I did too much with who I was. What I do is in no way a reflection of WHO I am as a person. There is a big difference there. Understanding that has been a game changer for me.
Pleasing people goes back to my parents. As a kid, you want your parents to be proud of your efforts. When that doesn’t happen — you take it personal. For me, I took many of those moments really personal. So much so, it lingers with me today.
The good thing is I’ve identified it. I’ve leaned into those feelings as much as I can. When they try to overtake me — I let them roll over me like waves. I may get wet — but I’ve adapted. All things will not go my way — that’s ok.
In no way have I got it together. I get attacked by shame all the time. The difference now is that I’ve taken the time to understand what shame is and how I can use it to my advantage.
Here’s a great Brene Brown playlist to get you cooking.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/26xkWVsJDmHUTw4Csje6vv?si=Wepc4QJ4RLm3gGGZJ7aAYA
