MY SOUL WAS F’D UP — HERE’S WHAT I HAD TO DO
‘But there’s also this, it’s not too late — God ’s personal Message! — “Come back to me and really mean it! Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!”’ Joel 2:12
We’ve all come up short in life. Back in the day, I was running in the streets and in clubs for everything BUT God. After awhile of that it hit me — “Anthony, you’re being an #$#hole and that’s not who you are. You’re a good dude.”
The only thing I knew to do was to check out church again. Even if I HATED church at the time — I knew I had to move toward that discomfort. The discomfort was that I knew I had f’d up. The discomfort was that I knew I was being an %$$hole to people. The discomfort was lying, cheating and living that BS LA LIFE. (If you’ve ever lived in LA or met someone from LA — you know.)
That’s one road to humility.
Here’s another road toward humility and admitting that you f’d up. This one for me came long after. This form of humility is after I began following Jesus. This one came after I was back in church and even working for a church.
Like anything in life — without consistent inventory of the process, you can lose track of what’s happening. You start going through the motions without remembering the WHY behind it.
Church can do that to you in a heartbeat. Church yes, can be the greatest healer for so many but it can also KILL YOU. Yes, I said it — “church can kill you.”
Here’s why.
You start following Jesus, everything seems great. You’re listening to your church music, you have your church friends and life seems great. However, if you’re not careful — you’re just playing a game.
You look like your life is all good but in reality — how much of “Jesus” is really in it? How much of it is just “going through the motions?” Are you just a good person now? Do you still focus your life and energy on the things of God? I dunno, maybe you do — but for me — I’ve f’d it up many times.
Here’s what it looked like for me.
I stop reading my Bible as much because I work for a church or ministry. I feel as if I “hear” the Bible all the time — “so I’m good right?” Plus, I grew up in church, so I can probably quote more Bible verses than the preacher.
I start listening to whatever is “trending” so that I am in the “know” of what is going on. However, what is “trending” has now overtaken any time of worship I once had.
And, if I’m listening to hip-hop all day — I mean WTF? 98% of the lyrics are pretty f’n disgusting. And, I’m a hip-hop guy. I get it, I love it. But man, that 💩 will f with your mind. Or, at least it f’s with mine, maybe it’s an exception for you.
I begin to check out shows that are the “thing to watch” because everyone else is doing it. And look, this is what happens to me — I don’t know how it affect you. This is just my experience.
When someone tells me to watch Succession, Mad Men, Game of Thrones or 50 F’n Shades Darker, I can’t. Those shows are too real for me. They take me to dark places. I know it, I feel it and I don’t like it. It doesn’t matter how f’n cool people say they are — the cost is too f’n high for my soul — and for that — I’m out (a-la Shark Tank vibes).
If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you’ll know I’m not coming from perfection. I’m hardly f’n perfect. The point of this is not how dope I am — it’s about how dope you are. But, don’t let your juice get stolen because you’re not humble enough to admit it.
We all f up — that’s life. And, in the words of Kendrick — “Sit down, be humble”. Or, if you prefer what Jesus says, “humble yourself and I’ll exalt you.”
I love what Pastor Judah Smith says about it in his book, How’s Your Soul.
“Our souls are home when they return to God. Yes, God cares about our happiness; but he knows we will only find true and lasting satisfaction when we make him the focus of our existence.” — Judah Smith
The point of all this is to check your soul. Is your soul still running toward God or is it just chillin’? Are you still as excited about the Bible or sharing your story with others? Is your cup running over with the goodness of God or are you always searching for how others will fill you up?
Ok, sorry — quick rant here. Stop reading if you don’t like “church rants.”
This one always gets me from church people. This will F’N annoy the 💩 outta me. I hear people say, “I’m just not being fed.”
Not being fed? WTF does that even mean?
What they are basically saying is — “I’m a f’n consumer and I’ve consumed everything I know.” They are basically fat as f. They don’t share what they have. They think the world revolves around their tastes and flavors. If they don’t like the taste — it’s not for them.
That’s church consumerism — it’s f’d up.
If you have so much Bible knowledge — share what you have. Start a Bible study, mentor some younger folks or go share your story with some lost souls.
I’m not going to harp on this — I’m just gonna say it and leave it.
Lastly, we can all humble ourselves everyday. Why wouldn’t you want to do that? God is a good dude. He’s for you and I. His face is smiling on us.
Own that.
