HAVE YOU EVER PARTIED ALL NIGHT AND GONE TO CHURCH — I HAVE
‘ My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning? ‘ Psalms 22:1
When I was living in LA after college, away from God, like on another PLANET — this phrase came to my mind several times. Except in my head it sounded more like this — “what the f God, you don’t care about me.”
At the time, I wanted ZERO to do with church. In my opinion, the church was weak, for suckers and talentless tool bags. I say this because I grew up in church. My mom and dad are pastors and still pastors — phenomenal pastors. But, during this season of my life — the thought of Jesus and church were meaningless. CHURCH WAS LAME!
So, what happened.
I guess, life happened.
I took a job at a Fortune 500 public relations firm in Los Angeles and set my sails to do whatever I wanted — whenever I wanted. The streets of LA were mine to conquer, and I most certainly did. However, it was during this journey that my mind would flashback to my “Psalm 22:1” phrase — “WTF God, why is my life so 💩 y?”
Over time, the streets of LA caught up with me. I lost my innocense. My soft heart, was quickly turning dark. I could feel it, I could sense it. Life was not going in the direction I imagined. As I was gaining clout in the streets, I was losing the light inside.
I caught myself becoming the WORST version of myself. No amount of parties or substitutes could replace this black hole in my life (insert No More Parties in LA song by Kanye West).
I’ll never forget the day I told myself I was going back to church. I hadn’t planned on going out the Saturday night before — but I did. And, I stayed up all f’n night. Too many bottles got popped and I was in for the long haul.
I was exhausted, but I remembered the promise I made. So, I showed up to church near downtown — and ON TIME. Walked in with my hoodie on and sat at the very top in the back. Huge shout out to Matthew Barnett and the Dream Center team.
It didn’t take long before I knew it was a good decision. As f’d up as I was in church, I loved it — I needed it. As my mind was drawn back to that phrase in Psalms, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me,” I felt like I heard an answer in my heart.
“I’ve never left you. I’m still here. I love you and proud of you.”
That SHOOK ME. As I cried with my hoodie on in the back row, still a bit f’d up from the night before — I knew I made the right decision. I could feel my heart again.
Maybe you feel like God doesn’t care about you, forgot about you or just plain doesn’t like you. Any of those thoughts couldn’t be further from the truth.
He is the master creator of you. He designed you. He looked at you and said, “yes, I like what I created, it is GOOD.” That “good” is you.
You probably don’t feel good and to be honest, most of us probably don’t. That’s one of the oldest tricks the devil uses on you and I. He wants us to lose confidence. He wants to cause mistrust in God.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ — Eleanor Roosevelt
You may still hate church and God. I get it. But, if I could suggest something; “don’t lose your soul or your innocense.”
You have so much goodness inside of you — and goodness when developed, turns into greatness.
Maybe just leave church and religion out of it for now. We don’t need answers for everything. And, I believe, God is pretty smart. If you are searching for answers, He will get them to you but you have to be HONEST with yourself.
When I chose this road of … let’s call it, “experimentation,” I had no idea what I was doing. I just simply wanted to explore. My inner self talk at the time was, “are you talented or good enough to make it in LA?” All I wanted was to prove to myself and others that I was talented and I could compete, that was it.
I don’t regret going through that season. It was insanely hard and tough but I learned so much. And, looking back, God did have my back. As much of an *sshole that I was and still am sometimes — He still looked out for me.
And — He will do the same for you.
If you ever want to chat — just holler, I get it. I’m hardly perfect and glad that I’m not.
Let’s pray:
Jesus, help me today. I’m lost and out of control. I sense I’m losing my unique gifts and want them back. I need to know your f’n real. Show me something today. Talk to me, do something. My life isn’t what it needs to be. Help me to see what is possible. Let me know you have my back. Amen.
